October 24, 1998: Sick, tired and objectified.

While I do enjoy its being so cool lately, I am so sick of this damn rain.

I can't take my shower, yet again, and I'll probably be peeing in a Possotome bottle later.

Sheesh.

Plus, I think I have a fungal infection developing on my legs.

Today was fine. I spent most of it alone, which was nice.

Some woman stopped by to show me her white (albino) baby. How lovely. Why do I care?

Then these damn three girls came to see my stuff and sat in my yard and stared at me. They asked for water and I said no. I'm sick to death of all this shit.

Maman came by to bake cookies, which I promised to teach her, go through all the hassel and she then tells me she already knew how and they're too salty anyway. Then, to inform me subtly that my house is dirty, she has one of the kids sweep it and take out the trash, probably so she can be sure it's thoroughly gone through.

And, of course, I just love how people talk in Nagot about me in my own home.

I don't know. Everything is just getting on my nerves lately.

I'm tired of being an object. I'm tired of people critisizing me and how I live and treating me like a toy.

And I'm really sick of people asking me how much things cost. Whose business is it anyway? I'm f-ing sick of this culture and these atrocious people and their anal-retentive, self-riteous, annoying ways.

And, I'm sick of myself for not being able to handle this better. I'm ashamed of some of the things I think and of how rude I am.

And sometimes, I enjoy it.

I feel like I just want to take all of this frustration out on someone.

I have got to get through this. It's awful.

October 23, 1998: Collegial relations.

Wow, it felt really good to have a day off. But I still didn't get to any fun stuff like reading or sewing. Grading and letters and that was it.

Then English club with the professors.

The Director is still pissed at me over yesterday, and I'm not sure why it's such a big deal. Probably because I, a woman, had the gall to contradict him in front of his peers. Who knows?

The English club should be okay, though Professor E is honestly the most annoying person ever. Luckily though, everyone knows it, too. But it looks like I'll be leading discussions and such and lecturing, though I feel odd lecturing people 20 years my senior.

Luckily, I ran into the SG and he recommended the club for students and when I said Prof E had said no one would want to he said he never should have said that and to try anyway. I love the SG.

And I like all my other colleagues, but I fear Prof J wants to marry me. I feel very "hit on" whenever we speak.

Oh, well.

I got a package from Dad yesterday and today I tried to listen to the X-Files he audiotaped for me, but I have to wait until tomorrow because it's too scary for at night.

Isn't that silly?

RA sent me a letter and we are living parallel lives in so many ways. It's so nice to hear from someone going through all the same things I am.

Well, I really want to get to Tolstoy before I get too sleepy, so, night.

October 22, 1998: Rain, little tyrants and a lack of footing.

Well, one thing is for sure: when it rains in Africa, it RAINS in Africa.

Sheesh. It is nuts outside right now.

But it's kind of nice because at least it's Thursday and my weekend has begun! And thank God, because I'm sick of the little tyrants and I'm sick of myself for not having the strength and patience to function better here.

Today, I got into a fight with my Director over my grillage. He ended up telling me I was tired and to go home. I was crying by the time I got here and I'm sure the munisier thought I was nuts.

So, I laid down on my bed and cried for the first time since stage. I think it was a mix of normal adjustment issues and PMS. It's just really hard to live everyday in a culture where you're viewed as rich and powerful and so everyone is either jealous of you or wants to be your best friend. But it's like no one ever just says, "How are you?" Or thinks it might be difficult for you to be so far from home, alone, and in a wierd place, doing a new job, learning a new language.

They constantly ask and expect things of me, but I realized I never hear "thank you" or "good job." Just, I feel like, "Why are you being such a pain in the ass spoiled brat yovo?"

It's hard.

I think I'm at that tough spot, and I know I'll get through it, but I think I'm starting to see the effects of being alone and feeling like you're losing your sense of self and values.

I feel like I have no footing anywhere.

And I feel dirty because I couldn't take a shower because of the rain.

October 21, 1998: Slump.

Whew, finally, tomorrow is the end of my week. And now that they took away 5eme F, my day isn't so late, which is nice.

The last few days have been pretty good. I've been very frustrated in class, but otherwise, I'm pretty happy. I've got to learn to keep my patience in class, or else my students will walk all over me.

I realized today how truly lonely I am when mama introduced me to an Australian missionary. Seeing a white person who could speak English, well, I wanted to hug her. I was happy for a good hour after. I had no idea I felt so alone until I reacted to her that way.

It also helped because she told me it's normal to hit that slump where everything frustrates you and annoys you, and I think I'm there, so it helped to hear someone say it's normal and I will come out of it.

Soon, I hope.

Plus, I got a great letter from J today and a neat one from K yesterday.

The people at my school are starting to drive me insane. They change my schedule and don't tell me, the grillage guys never show up when they say, and they do shitty work. They've been putting up six screens for three days now, and I can put my hand through one of the spaces they've left.

And I'm tired and for some reason have no desire to write lately, so bye.

October 19, 1998: Temporary.

Ah, a much better day, probably because I'm now busy as hell with school.

Better teaching, too. It'll still be a while before I'm any good, but I'm getting better. I'm real scared for my evaluation. I hope it isn't for a while.

I had a slight down bit today, but mostly I was fine. I think it really was the isolation that was getting to me. I need to just be able to listen to myself and see people when I need to see people.
That, and I think mephloquine once every eight days is good. I had no problem sleeping yesterday and I always have trouble on night #1.

Je suis tres heureuse maintenant.

I'll definitely be seeing Mom and sis this summer, which is awesome. They want to meet in Spain. That'll be fun.

I'm kind of sad they can't come here though. No one will know what I've been through.

This really is a process and I think it's definitely making me stronger. I just know I do things and deal with things I never knew I could before. I like that feeling.

But I also like the feeling of a warm bath and pizza.

Oh well, this is temporary, as A says, in two years it'll all be waiting for me. That's a great perspective.

Off to read and listen to a tape from home and then to sleep.

October 18, 1998: Endurance test crap.

Well, what a good thing it was that I got the hell out of town. That really helped.

I talked to sis on the phone and oddly enough, she said Mom had been sad all week, just knowing something was wrong with me. We are so connected. That is strange. But Mom was in California so I couldn't talk to her, but talking with sis was great.

And just seeing people was wonderful. I just wish the trip wasn't so exhausting. Whew.

I think either my depression was mephloquine-related or I was just homesick and lonely and didn't know it.

Everyone has been kind of a wreck lately. I guess we're at that stage.

So, I'm beginning to think that squirrel cage is just my form of depression and it creeps up to block whatever is really bothering me. I hadn't felt sad for home at all, but talking about things with the girls and talking with sis made me see it, I think. I've been near crying and very crabby since Saturday night.

So, I'm dealing with it better now.

I got home and Peace Corps had dropped off tons of mail for me and boat packages and family ones and letters and I have been in a great mood ever since. I won't need to buy food for a month! And I got a letter from K, which was great. I thought he'd forgotten me but he misses me and his letter had been at the bureau for a month. I'm glad I wrote him last week.

So, I feel better now that I'm dealing with the actual problem, and I actually feel happy to be back. It helps to know that in two weeks, I'll see everyone in Parakou. I think I need to just accept that I need to see people every two to three weeks, and quit torturing myself with this endurance test crap.

I'll go nuts.

I'm looking forward to seeing J.

Not looking forward to teaching. Everyday, my enthusiasm just dwindles. I've got to think of a way to keep myself motivated.

I had fun tonight taking my family the stuff I brought from Cotonou. I also gave them some Pop Rocks that came in a package and it was an absolute riot watching them try it. They thought it was so funny how they popped. I may have sis send me some every once in a while for them. They were so cute. I got 'em popcorn and a pineapple, too. I also got a pineapple for the SG and Michel's family, for helping me so much.

Oh, and of course, the grillage that they swore would be on my house Friday morning is, of course, still not here, which means it'll probably be this Friday, maybe, when I get it. Reassuring, since J has malaria and I've put msyelf on once every eight days mephloquine to alleviate the psychotic bouts.

Sheesh.

I still feel like my COS date will never come.

But I'm okay here, for now.

October 15, 1998: It may be the mephloquine.

Well, you know, I do believe it may be the mephloquine. I woke up this morning and felt like a new person. Like I could physically feel that the depression and worries had lifted from my brain.

I looked back and noticed most of the bad days do coincide with Saturday through Monday, or even Wednesday, and start to subside at the end, in just enough time for me to take that crap again.

So, I don't think I can see the med people tomorrow, but I may try (yeah, right) and if not, I'll make a November appointment. I need to get out for a while anyway, what the hell? It'll do me good to see M and get mail and call home.

I'm glad I'm deciding to give myself a break and I think maybe just deciding to go has really picked me up a lot. So, that's that.

Teaching was so-so today and I had my first school meeting, which I got half of (French), and after I went to a bar with my colleagues.

An amusing experience.

Well, I'm off to bed so I can be pumped to travel.

October 14, 1998: Put a slash on my board.

Almost at midway of month five.

Just 16 more days or two weekends or three weeks until I see people again and can put a slash on my board.